Friday, January 25, 2008

Dream, January 25

This morning I woke up early which hasn't happened for a long time. Before the alarm even rang, I opened my eyes and remembered the dream I'd just had.

I think I might have been East Indian in the dream, because I was the platonic companion of an Indian princess. There was even an issue of misidentification where for a time, I was the Indian princess. Though now that I think of it, perhaps I was posing as her so she could hide herself away.

She was strong, liberated and very kind and the people around her loved her. I did as well.

The most interesting part is that at some point it was decided that I should have a husband, and my boyfriend from high school appeared. She was a wonderful princess and friend too, I suppose, and wanted me to be partnered with the right person for me. So we were trying to determine if he loved me. My very first lover was administered some sort of test - it was more like a series of questions - an abbreviated workbook? - he somberly and thoughtfully responded to these written questions, and it was determined that he did not, in fact, love me.

He was awfully resolute about it in my opinion, but, interestingly, no one at any point in the dream bothered to assess or even ask about my feelings for him. In this dream, the one he loved, was someone else he dated in high school. In the dream, though I wasn't devastated by the results of this process, I was unhappy; but, I didn't wonder about the lack of investigation into my feelings.

While my former boyfriend labored through this journey into his own heart, my princess had need to go away, but when she returned, I told her that I knew the results of this partnering process. It appeared that she knew as well, and she was sad for me, though not condescending or pitying. I can't remember her exact words, but I think I can recall her intimating that perhaps there would be someone else.

For now, however, I'd be accompanying her on a trip. Though as I oddly filled two dresser drawers instead of a suitcase, I felt alone and more like a servant than a friend.

Thursday, January 17, 2008


In late February, I will have been without my father for as long as I had him.

I read something recently (was it Palahniuk?) where a man relayed that he sometimes wondered when his father would emerge from the shadows. Perhaps he'd see him on the street? (Could that have been it?) Or was it that his father would someday come to him, having faked his death years before? Someday this man would learn that his father had to escape some sort of danger that forced him into a lengthy hiding. But his father would come back to him and all would be well. The author noted that this character was aware of what it meant, or at least what it seems to have meant, that a grown man was still hopeful for this sort of miracle. But, I understand.